Council Affairs: A directly elected revelation

Limerick County Council Offices in Dooradoyle.

WITH the gang from LIMERICK City and County Council drowning the shamrock Stateside in recent days and revelling in the paddywhackery of our national holiday, it gave me a bit of quiet time to reflect.

I do miss them when they’re not around. I’m left with far too much time to ponder, and worry about what kind of predicaments they’re getting themselves into.

As it turns out though, the little break from our council merrymakers was just what the doctor ordered. And I’ll enjoy this week’s Metropolitan meeting all the more for it on their return with big sore heads.

Still, the time to reflect was welcome. And productive.

You see, a little birdie told me that while things have been very quiet on the Directly Elected Mayor (DEM) front for some time now, it does look like we will see Limerick’s very own Boris Johnson in the hot-seat in 2024.

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So, while the council officials and councillors were being wined and dined in New York last week, I got to conspiring.

Times are tough. Between the cost of living and the gangsters in Dáil Éireann robbing us blind, making a living is hard work. Too much hard work for too little reward, most of the time.

But times are tough for a lot of us, right?

I’m not complaining. I soldier on. I keep on keeping on, on my perpetual hamster wheel.

Like most folks, I am forever trying to find new ways to cut corners and make a few extra bob to keep Electric Ireland from the door.

I have thought long and hard about picking a pocket or two or donating my organs to science, but I am far too honest and squeamish for any of that.

And then the thought struck me, maybe before John Moran, Elisa O’Donovan, Jim Long, Pat Shortt, or Declan Hannon put their names in the hat for the big job as Limerick’s King of the Scones, maybe I should look at getting my own campaign up and running.

Look, I love my job. Nothing makes me happier than crawling across ceilings in council chambers, unbeknownst to anyone, and exposing the shenanigans at meetings. I’d almost do it for the pure love of it, but don’t tell my boss that. Having said that, the auld fig rolls don’t pay for themselves.

I mean, Limerick’s DEM will take home a salary of €129,854, plus expenses of €16,000. On top of that they’ll have their own driver. A well paid driver, at that!

I’m not getting a pay rise to match that anytime soon, and my old motor is in the death throes, so an auld chauffeur would be real handy.

You could almost live on the scones and sandwiches they stuff down your throat down in City Hall alone, so I would save a fortune on the weekly shop.

And, if worst came to worst and during my campaign for Directly Elected Mayor it all comes out in the Sunday World about my thing for slipping and sliding around on lino flooring in my y-fronts, I will just come clean. As clean as the underpants I put on every morning.

You see, I’m as woke as the next person. I’m in tune with my copious kinks and quirks, and, my therapist says, if rolling around on greasy surfaces helps me get through the day, then that’s okay.

I have nothing to feel ashamed of. I have embraced my slick and slithery self. I mean, it’s my own lino flooring I’m lubricated to the gills and slip-sliding away on anyway.

So if you can forgive me my oily transgressions, then I thank you from the bottom of my squidgy jocks and ask you to consider me for Directly Elected Mayor of Limerick.

That’s right, I’m officially throwing my name in the hat. The campaign starts here.

Vote number one Sean Mellor — Your one and only unctuous man.

I’m as slick as a baby seal and more slippy than a wily politician still living with their old pair while stockpiling property all over the gaff.

I’ll be as crooked as a West Limerick back road, but as transparent as my website history browser.

Make no mistake. I’m just looking to get on the gravy train here. This is a cashing in situation only.

The executive can pull my strings all they want, no questions asked. To be honest, I haven’t thought about my plans for my first term. My driver can work that stuff out.

I’ll have a big piss up, I know that much. And pictures of me pointing at potholes and lampposts in the local rags. As the man said, ‘if you build it, they will come’.

So remember, Vote Number One Sean Mellor. I can promise the good people of Limerick two things right now. I won’t make a bigger hames of the city than has been made already, and I almost certainly won’t lose the Mayoral chain. Almost certainly.